Even the
happiest couples
encounter conflict. But what they fight about reveals a lot about what’s missing in the relationship.
As a
psychologist who studies couples
, I’ve found that there are a few similar topics that come up again and again. And the first step to resolving the conflicts is to know what those topics are.
According to a
YouGov
poll of 1,000 American adults, and based on my research, here are the most common reasons couples fight — and the psychology behind each one.
1. Tone of voice or attitude
A sour tone or attitude — a slightly raised voice, a sarcastic comment, an eye-roll mid-conversation — is by far the most common reason couples fight. To the person exhibiting it, it might not seem like a big deal. But to the partner on the receiving end, it hits a direct nerve because it signals contempt.
In marital
research
, contempt is one of the most reliable predictors of divorce. Unlike overt criticism or stonewalling (shutting down emotionally), contempt disguises itself with non-verbal gestures and body language.
How to move past it:
Resist the impulse to strike back. Fighting fire with fire never works, so try naming the effect instead: “That felt condescending. Can we try again?” This gives your partner the chance to course-correct, and it doesn’t instantly escalate things.
If you’re the one delivering the tone, check in with yourself before saying anything more. Are you feeling unheard? Frustrated? Overwhelmed? Pinpointing what’s fueling the contempt is the first step to expressing yourself without hurting the relationship.
2. Family relations
Arguments about family relations often reflect fundamental misalignments and unmet needs.
One partner might feel unsupported or sidelined, especially if their spouse seems to default to defending their side of the family. In situations involving children, arguments usually boil down to value clashes — where each partner feels like their core parenting beliefs are being dismissed.
Neither partner is “right” or “wrong” in these scenarios. In fact, they’re more than likely seeking the exact same thing: someone who’s on their side.
How to move past it:
A good place to start is to reassure one another. For example: “I love my family, but you’re still my partner. How can we find a solution that meets both of our needs and values?”
Then talk about your limits as a team: what to do when a line is crossed, or how to show solidarity in front of others (even when you disagree privately).
3. Household chores
People often assume that arguments about chores are about the chores themselves — the dishes left in the sink, the laundry piling up, the trash that never gets taken out. But if that were true, these issues would be quickly fixed with a simple chore chart.
Rather, the real problem is the uneven distribution of labor. According to
research
, one partner in a relationship usually shoulders the bulk of domestic work. But they aren’t just folding the clothes and cooking the meals, they’re also managing appointments, coordinating the bills and keeping mental tabs on everyone’s well-being but their own.
This “invisible load” goes largely unacknowledged, and that lack of recognition is usually where the fighting begins.
How to move past it:
This dynamic can often be changed if the load is named out loud. Even just saying, “I didn’t realize how much you were holding, thank you,” gives your partner the acknowledgement they’ve been needing to hear.
From there, work together to redistribute tasks in a way that feels sustainable. Fairness won’t look like a 50/50 split every day, but it should feel like something you both have a hand in.
4. Communication styles
This is one of the trickiest arguments to navigate. In many cases, by the time couples are arguing about
how
they talk to each other, the original issue has already been lost in translation.
For example, one partner is upset about an unfair distribution of chores, or they’re frustrated with how their in-laws treat them. But when these concerns are brought up,
research
shows they can quickly go off the rails when the other engages with them ineffectively — or with hostility.
If the conversation is met with defensiveness, criticism or stonewalling, the fight will shift its focus from the initial issue. Instead, it becomes a matter of how poorly the conversation is going.
How to move past it:
One simple strategy successful couples use is the ”
five second rule
“: They have a designated word or phrase that signals: “We’re spiraling, let’s take a time-out.” This gives a much-needed pause, without the negative effects of storming out.
When you return to the conversation, try to see eye-to-eye before continuing to air out your grievances: “I want to understand why you’re upset, and I want you to understand the same for me. You share your side, then I’ll share mine.”
Mark Travers
, PhD, is a psychologist who specializes in relationships. He holds degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder. He is the lead psychologist at
Awake Therapy
, a telehealth company that provides online psychotherapy, counseling and coaching. He is also the curator of the popular mental health and wellness website,
Therapytips.org
.
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