If you’ve scrolled enough on social media, you may have seen the words “silent divorce” pop up before — but what does it mean and are you in one?
Experts say a number of couples could be in what’s now being called a “silent divorce” and not even know it, while others may be consciously choosing it.
The concept itself is not new, but the term has been growing in popularity on social media.
“The silent divorce has actually been around for a very long time,” Marcy Kott, a principal attorney focused on martial issues at Chicago’s Berger Schatz. “They just never had a label for it.”
What is a “silent divorce”?
“It’s essentially when, you know, a couple is … not legally separated, nobody has initiated any sort of divorce proceedings, but these are couples who live separate and apart in the same residence,” Kott said. “So they don’t really have a physical relationship, they’re not really mentally connected, and they’re not emotionally connected.”
The situation is likened more to “roommates” than a couple in a romantic relationship.
Other words for it might include a “quiet divorce” or an “invisible divorce.”
Why do couples silently divorce?
There could be many reasons why a couple chooses to, or unintentionally becomes, silently divorced.
Kott said there are two main reasons she’s seen in her practice. The first, is children.
“I would say the primary would be the children,” she said. “And I think a lot of times people can’t fathom not spending every single night with their children … or the idea of having their children go to and from different households, and they think this is better for their children to keep their family intact, even though the parents or their parents are not in a, you know, loving, committed relationship anymore,” she said.
The second reason, according to Kott, is finances.
“Some people have their dream home, it becomes complicated to financially disentangle if one party is a business owner and would have to buy out the other party’s interests, there might not be enough liquid or other funds to do that, and it just becomes complicated. So, it’s just easier to coexist,” she said.
Kott said she noticed the trend spiking during COVID, when couples were quarantining together and “couldn’t “were stuck living together.”
What are signs of a silent divorce?
According to Cayla Gensler, a licensed couples’ therapist, signs of a “silent divorce” can include a lack of intimacy and surface-level conversations.
“There is little to no emotional intimacy, meaningful conversation, or shared experiences. Even though the couple may go through the motions of daily life, they live more like aloof roommates than an actual married couple,” Gensler
wrote
.
What are the effects of a silent divorce?
Experts say while some silent divorces may be well-intentioned, they can have some negative impacts, particularly on children.
“If the parents are on the same page and involved and love their children and want what’s best for their children, the children will likely be fine either way,” Kott said. “However … living in sometimes separate bedrooms … they’re not seeing their their parents having any affection toward one another. They’re not seeing their parents engaging with other couples or other families together. They don’t see their parents going on vacation together, and their peers have those types of family relationships. So I think it can be ultimately detrimental on these kids because they pick up on it, even though you think that they’re not picking up on it, they do pick up on it and you’re not setting an example for a successful relationship or role models in the future for them when they start engaging in in relationships.”
What can you do if you think you’re in a silent divorce?
Experts say being in a silent divorce doesn’t always mean a legal divorce follows.
“I always feel that couples, or at least when a client comes and consults with me, have they exhausted every other possibility? For instance, have they gone to couple therapy?” Kott said. “Have they gone to individual therapy? Do they have impediments to this relationship that will never get better? You know, sometimes unrealistic expectations of the other spouse, I think just neglecting that relationship. So I do suggest that people really engage in therapy and really figure it out, because even if the marriage ultimately fails, it’s a great form to kind of talk through how to have a more amicable divorce and how to put your children first, if possible.”
Gensler echoed that, suggesting couples focus on open communication, boundaries, self care and even personal growth or goals.
“Dealing with this type of quiet and gradual separation is challenging, especially if neither of you is committed to saving the marriage or coming to terms with the situation. But there are ways to fix your marriage and become close again, even after detachment has set in,” she wrote.
In other cases, however, Kott said couples are only putting off the inevitable.
“Ultimately, if this goes on for a significant period of time where they’re really being, they’re just roommates, and they don’t really have common goals anymore and they’re not looking at a future together, they ultimately do end a divorce,” she said.
