Longtime journalists
Amy Robach and T.J. Holmes
have firsthand experience with the messiness of modern relationships and the complexity of combining family, finances and more. Though they don’t always see things from the same angle, the couple does hold one core value in common: authenticity. That’s how they’ve made it through their challenges and come out the other side stronger than ever. And now they’re here to help you do the same, in
Ask Amy & T.J.
, a new relationship advice column from Yahoo. You can hear more from Amy and T.J. on their
podcast
.
Amy and T.J.,
When I started dating my boyfriend, I knew he was friendly with this Montecito socialite, a housewife whose husband often traveled for work. I thought I’d be gaining a girlfriend in this woman. But apparently the socialite thinks of my guy as her “kept” man, a backup plan. Once she invited us onto her yacht and trapped me — literally — at a table where I couldn’t escape. After she downed a few big glasses of vodka, she proceeded to tell me how my guy told her
she’s
the one for him, if only she weren’t married. She said they were “soulmates.” She also revealed conversations the two of them have had about me, and she even knew private things I had shared with my guy. Basically she let me know that this man was on loan to me and that if she wanted him, she could have him. I don’t want to break up with this man. Up until this point, it’s been smooth sailing! How can I get over their connection and forgive this breach of trust?
—
Lisa W.
Gut reaction
Amy Robach:
I would run, not walk, away from that relationship.
T.J. Holmes:
See, I have questions about this other woman. What is her angle? What is her
game?
On further thought …
AR:
First of all, Lisa, how can you trust that the man you love isn’t telling everything about your sex life or fights to another woman? This is another woman who now has absolutely let you know that she has her hands on your guy and can have him whenever she wants. That’s a power play — that is awful.
TH:
That woman might have something going on, maybe in her own marriage, that’s making her so miserable that she needs to project her feelings onto someone else, or knock somebody else down a peg, and show how she has power over another man.
It’s possible that she might not actually be being honest about these transgressions. She might be embellishing that for the sole purpose of upsetting you, Lisa.
AR:
Lisa, I’m sorry to say that I have every belief that this other woman wants you out of the picture. She wants your guy to be her little boy toy, her backup plan. She wants him to herself and doesn’t want competition. She’s absolutely saying these things to scare you off.
But it’s your boyfriend who breached your trust by telling this woman details that she couldn’t have known unless he told her.
Now, look, if you love this guy so much, and you want to make a last-ditch effort to save the relationship, you obviously have to confront him. I would question him: Have he and the other woman been intimate in the past? Does he have any kind of attraction toward her? And I would tell him exactly what she told you: “She said she can have you whenever she wants.” Ask him how that would make him feel. Give him a chance, for sure, to explain, but man … I personally don’t think that this is going to have a happy ending. If he’s been confiding in this other woman this whole time you’ve been together, it’s probably going to keep happening. That’s hard to deal with.
TH:
Lisa, I really just have one question: Would you be comfortable with your guy going out to drinks, one-on-one with this woman? If your answer is no, you should get out of the relationship.
It’s kind of that simple for me, because if you don’t trust him and you’re worried about that, then it means there’s something wrong. If you worry about him ever being alone with that woman, there’s your answer.
And
she called your partner her
soulmate?
AR:
Soulmate
is a strong, strong word. T.J. and I don’t really use that word, but if I were to say anyone was my soulmate, it’s T.J. If someone else were my soulmate, I should not be with T.J. Because you can’t compete with that.
TH:
Why do you all have to hang out together? That’s the other possible scenario. If you confront your boyfriend, he might say, “Yes, this stuff happened, but we will not be friends from now on.” I think that’s the only way to rebuild.
Amy:
An ultimatum?
TJ:
No, you never give an ultimatum.
AR:
Of course not, because you’re gonna lose!
TJ:
But you ask the question: Do you need this other woman to be a presence in our relationship? That answer is going to tell you a lot about what you should do. Your boyfriend might say, no, that’s crazy, he might apologize, he might say, “Yes, she’s important to me,” and then —
AR:
Bye.
It’s not that men and women can’t be friends. I think you can absolutely have male-female friendships that aren’t romantic or sexual in nature. But if one person is articulating or exhibiting designs on the other, romantically, spiritually — you’re done. If both people are clear on the fact that they’re just friends, that’s a viable path forward. But if one person has feelings for the other, I don’t think it’s possible.
Who should Lisa confront: her boyfriend or the Montecito woman?
TH:
Him! Him.
AR:
Her? Forget it. Lisa, you don’t actually have a relationship with the other woman. That woman has no responsibility to you, and you have no responsibility to her. In a partnership, if you have an issue with a third party interfering with your relationship, you take that issue to your partner. Because that third party has no reason to be honest or to deal with you in good faith. It’s your partner who said, “you and I are together,” and that is the person you have to confront.
TH:
You blame the partner. There’s nothing else to talk about.
The final word
TH:
You cannot get mad at somebody outside of your relationship for entering your relationship. Somebody let them in. Your issue is with the person that let them in: your boyfriend. That’s who has an obligation to you.
Amy:
Your partner gave the other woman the key and let her in.
To get advice directly from Amy and T.J.,
send whatever relationship question is keeping you up at night — whether it’s about friends, family, your love life or beyond — to
askamyandtj@yahoo.com
.
